TIME PASSES. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN when each tick of second hand aches like a pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. EVEN FOR ME.
I open my eyes. Click and my cell-phone shows me 24-07-2011. Another day.
My eyes are heavy. And they hurt. For a moment I am stuck. I don't know what has happened. The sunlight, from the window, seeps into my room. Its bright outside, but I don't feel so. Why do I feel so dark? And all the stupid questions block my mind. Is this why I were born? Just to wait? For things to change? Is this why, days were made, to wait for the night and then the next day, and so freaking on? I shake my head in disbelief. I am given another day to live, I should be thankful. And not be sad about it. I lift my head, and its heavy. Probably the same migraine, I think. Or maybe due to the crying last night? I get up, regardless of all. I can feel the blood in my vessels moving through my head. I tie my hair and start cleaning the room.
It's been twenty minutes by far and feels as if twenty hours have gone by. with every step that I take, I shiver. Maybe, my footsteps will wake her up. I feel cold though its mid summers. I consider switching off the fan. Should I, I think? Or will the creak sound the switch button makes will wake her up? No, I should turn it off. Or at least slow it down. What worse could it cause? But it is mid summers and I am thinking of turning the fan off? How stupid. It's probably the headache, I tell myself.
I go wash up. Done with all the cleaning. One hour passes by. My siblings will come home by three. It is still eleven. Why is not the time passing?
What do I do now? Lie down again? Or read a book? Anything, that I am sure of, wont wake her up. I think read the book, I have already started. I pick it up. I take out my book-mark, and start reading.
Geez, what do I feel so nauseatic? Am I hungry? I guess I am. Should I eat? Or should I wait for her, and then make us both something? Or should I simply eat, and she wont mind. Or maybe, today, she will wake up late? No, I should wait. No risks I should take. I should read. I carry on reading, my head throbbing, and my heart racing.
I haven't done anything, but why do I feel so gutted?
I feel some footsteps. I close the book, put it back, making sure I don't make a sound. I get up, in a quick time, start making the creases on the bed go away. I flatten my hand, and work the sheet out. Is she coming? Even if she is, she will think I am just cleaning my room, and she wont make a fuss out of my being up? I don't feel her door opening. I stand still, listening to the footsteps. They have faded away. No sound, I can hear of. I stand for a minute or two, making sure she is not up. I sit. Maybe, I just felt something. Yes, I think, it is supposed to be my head playing with me. I shrug. I sigh. But a deep, relaxed sigh. For I am glad she is not awake, as yet.
I start reading again. I see the clock, on the wall. Oh no. just 15 minutes passed by, so far? Unbelievable. What the hell? Why isn't the time passing? I curse my life. That's what I always do. Don't know who to make, stand responsible for it!
I go on, reading. I have loved the book. By far, it's been great. But today, why can't I put my head in it. Why does my mind keeps drifting away? Why does my life is this way? What am I supposed to do? What do I do to make things better? This better? I do everything, to make her believe, that I love her. I smile. I talk, ignoring all the shit she says about me. But why me? Why were I born? Another tear sheds. I close my eyes. Picture her image. The good image. I smile. Maybe, that her, one day will be back. No, not maybe. She will be. She have to be. I smile. But the useless, hopeless smile. I clear my face, making sure it is not wet. My eyes are swollen. I can feel it when I touch them. My mind hopelessly drifts, and I am stuck thinking of last night. The shouts, the screams, the taunts, the the puns, the SLAP. I cry now, without realising, it's been the same, since forever.
I cry, for I am alone.
I cry, for I am hopeless.
I cry, for I am sad.
I cry, for I am helpless.
I cry, for I Love her.
I cry, for I am tired now.
I cry, for I don't know what else to do.
Suddenly, its strucks me. I am back to my senses. I stop crying, and rush to wash my face. My eyes are red, and I can see the veins visible in them. Anybody can tell, I have been crying. I get scared. What if she sees me like this? She'd kill me. She'd ask me hundreds of questions. What will I do? I keep on putting water in my eyes, until I think they look better.
I go back to my room. I sit, and wait till I catch my breath. I feel scared. damn scared.
I check time. Yes! Two hours since I woke up. I can't believe my luck. But I am very hungry now. Still not sure, whether to eat or not. I can feel my stomach growling.
I pick up the book again. Start reading it. My eyes itch now. I close the book, and put it back. I close my eyes. They hurt more than ever. I lie down for a while. The memories haunt. The grim and glum life. I don't see any end. But I see my flexibility coming to an end. I feel myself die. I know, I am dying every minute. I am not the same I used to be. Life seems meaningless. Helpless. And suddenly I hear a thrud. And I know she is up. This time I can't be mistaken. Life isn't fair. Never was. Never will be. I jump. Close the book and put it back. And start getting rid of the creases, just like before. I hear the door open, the shrill sound shouting my name.
I sigh. Big, deep, helpless sigh. I say geeeeeee.
I know now, why I were born. Why I had felt so gutted. Why I have been so sad. I know I am out of luck. And I know life isn't bed of roses. For me. I shiver.
I feel two bulgy eyes viewing me. I look up and say, geee Ma?
And I know, the day has begun.
i read at OVAIS's post when he got a 100 followers, that hes had a great time here, so far, and that he follows around 200 blogs. it got me thinking, if i am welcoming, and open hearted enough, i might get a 100 followers too:P do from now on wards, i will be super sweet and super appreciative to every one:)
me and MAHNOOR, are now chat friends from pen friends :) and i am sooooo phycsed about it. despite being such a frigging awesome writer, she is a super awesome pal :)so a shout out to mahnoor. and congrats on you, becoming a KHALA :) she changed my perceptions about other girls named mahnoor, cause so far the mahnoor's i have met, or i know, they are all so weird, really!
well, my house is crowded these days. i live in a three bedroom apartment, which is sufficient enough, though i have to share my room with my younger sister. and when ever, even a single person comes to stay over, everything just turns around. my chachu is here, dads elder brother, and even though he is pretty known to me, its a little awkward hauling my butt around the house.
my khala is coming over too, with her two kids. so house is ready to be crowded-er. her daughter is 2, and her son is yet to be one. he crawls, and is the most cutest baby boy i have seen in my life:) he is going to make a handsome boy, and makes me wish i were born now, instead of twenty years back, so in the latter years i had a chance on him;) lame right, haha.
bloggings an off, specially in these tiring university days. but it is still a place i visit whenever i am frazzled, and dont wanna do any thing. your lovely blogs make me fresh:)
pardon me if i havent commented lately, i will make sure i do, soon!
and hey, YOU ARE ALL ALLOWED TO HELP ME IMPROVE MY WRITING, SO WHATEVER YOU THINK, DONT FEEL BACK TO LET ME KNOW ABOUT THEM:)
p.s mahnoor, most of all you:) tell me if this ones any better :)
i voted. i voted for the people i thought deserved it the most. my university needs some major changes to be made soon. there is so much a fashion institute needs and we are just zero to that average.
voting is over today, and if you dont understand what i mean, u ought to check my last post. anyway, in the last days, the competition got very strong. and everybody wanted to play his role and bring the best students council, ever. i hope we do, seriously. the last students council were all teachers pets. they did just nothing at all, except getting better links with teacher, which in turn got them gooooood grades. this is how Pakistani politics works.
my best friend is getting married. we used to live together around 8 years back, in multan, when both of our dads were posted there. yes, her dad is also in army. we were like the next door neighbors, and we spent like 18 hours a day, TOGETHER. now she is still in multan, its her dads last postig, and they chose multan cause thats where they belong. anyways, they are super rich, the ultimate land-lords of multan. crazy rich, indeed. she is going to have the perfect wedding ever. she ordered her lehnga to zara zardozis, which is for 2.5 lakh, yes. oh. my. god, right? i cant believe it. since she has told me, i have like this stomach ache, donno why. i mean, yeah i have been to weddings in which brides have worn a 4 lakh dress, but imagining your best friend wearing 2.5 lakh jora, does creeps me.
she is so pretty mashAllah, and i am sure she will make the perfect bride. and the coolest thing is her in-laws are richer. her man-to-be is an MBA graduate, and he has done it in England. good for her, yeah?
I AM SOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am still not sure if imma go there, cause multan is like far, far from here, but i guess once her card comes, we will make plans accordingly. nowhere in hell i wanna miss her wedding. i mean who would wanna miss her best freinds wedding, which is going to be super awesome.
my university friend needs a speech on the word love. i am searching something for her, but i guess i will have to write something for her, myself. sometimes you have to do stuff, totally out of the blue for your friends. this is not the first time, imma write something, but she has to present it in front of the director so it has to be good.
i have been doing my homework, which took me 4 hours straight. and i am still left with one more assignment. life is good but its super exhausting. and on the top of all, i have a history of costume class tomorrow, which is all theory, and i feel bored already!
well hello. i feel like myself today. whewww, feels great actually =)
lifes good, though its super super tiring! i havent really been stressed this much, ever, in any of my semesters before. i have frigging classes all week long, except for wednesday, which i end up going too, cause there something i have to complete, or my friends say we will do group study, here in the university. yeah, that helps, a lot, but u know, preeeeeety tiring when u have to be there till 3 4ish everyday.
i got back at around 4ish home, from the bloody class. i actually was very excited, i love making illustrations, and i thought, this would be the one subject i wont mind taking on saturdays, which i was super wrong about, obviously. i am so frazzled. ugh. i hate the teacher, shes a bitch. shes made fashion illustrations F into fucking illustration, like seriously. last week she gave us this theme, textile prints, in 1960s. today, she said, i just need textile prints, and i want your mood-board by the end of the class. which wasnt fair, cause today the theme was changed. it was only textile prints, which on one side was easier, but dude we'd already have researched 1960s, yeah? well she messed up our moods, totally. and we couldnt do anything by the end of the class today! nothing. i went to her, to show her a few pictures, i thought wouldnt be so stilted, but i got insulted instead of getting any major help. yeah, she really is sucha bitch. she graded our last weeks assignment today, and when we asked her for our grades, she was like super mad, she said, i wont tell u that, that i cant! then i said, mam we wanna know where we are right and where we are wrong, and she said, in the next class, i want you to present your work to me,in front of the whole bloody class, i will let u know whats wrong with your work and whats not! oh yeah, imagine the insanity we have to deal with.
an year ago, i used to fight with my dad, saying, aba gee, i wanna be a fashion designer, i couldnt be able to cope up with the engineering stuff, all the maths and measurement, which now i realise was totally wrong. i am doing fashion designing now(yeah i know it sounds so amusing and everything, but NO, trust me, its even patheticer than engineering) and nothing is easy! mark my words, as long as you enjoy what you are doing, amazing. otherwise, u cant expect math to be difficult, and art subjects easy. cause nothing is easy.
yes, i love what i do, and thats possibly why, i am still doing it with all my heart, no matter how many times i abuse my teacher, and thats only why i end up getting good grades other than flunking it.
so other than the class, we have the students councils elections going on. its so amazing, every ones giving us treats and their badges, and there are banners and posters of them. campus looks so awesome these days, but despite all the buttering, seniors are doing, i still havent made my mind, to whome im going to give my vote to. guess what i and my group did today? we took all the stickers, we got from this guy, and we put it on the banners, exactly on the face of the opposing team :P geeez it was so much fun, everyone was staring us with WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOSERS UPTO looks, and we were laughing crazily.
on the other hand, the darker side, i have sooo much homework to be done by the weekend :S so fucking much, but imma take today off from all the homework, and enjoy songs and watch a movie or so!
sometimes you take a lot of stuff for granted, and then it goes away, cause of your silliness, and the you are left with NOTHING. dont let that NOTHING, come anywhere near you. you are the best, and you deserve the best!:D
so wish me luck, stay happy and enjoy what u have, thats what life and people taught me in the last few days.
i wanna be a kid again. or someone who just got into her teens. who is so excited, and cant wait to be a girl. who is unaware of this cruel, big, mean world. who can do what ever her mind tells her to. who can wear anything without having second thoughts. cry in front of the whole world. who is not afraid of what people will call her, or fret about what names would people call her from. most importantly, who thinks love is the one hot boyfriend, who fake promises her to be with her forever, believes him, and thinks this is who she were born in this world to be with.
i wanna runaway. runaway from this world. from this home. from these friends. from this life. i wanna run somewhere, far, far away. somewhere, where being happy and being yourself wont be a sin.
everything around me, makes me wonder, if what i really want to have such a big sin? or is what i wanna do so unfair to the people i love. is not talking to anyone, is called being mean, or is me not getting highest grades in my class quizes, a disappointment to my parents?
and people, trying to help me get. a. LIFE. call that salvation? i dont get this world. i dont get what people are, and who they want to be. the deeper i dig in, the more scarier it becomes. i cant call myself depressed, i think i am just scared.
i sometimes want to know a person, who i could ask this stuff from. who could help me know what life really means. and who could give me answers to all these silly yet effusive questions, and also answerable ones, to alot of people.
i ask my dad, and he says, u are just bummed, cause of the work load on your shoulders, from university. how do i tell him, its nothing to do with the work load, or maybe he understands what i ask, but dont answer cause he wants me to find out this real world, myself?
i ask my mom, and she says, only if my dad were alive, and he could answer to all these questions in your head. i know she is right, and yeah, he could answer to all these questions, but now hes not here, and thats not my fault, right?
i ask my brother, and he says, do i look like a philosopher to you?
i ask my best friend, and she says, shes all alone, in this big, scary world, herself?
i cant ask my sister, cause she is just a kid, who got into her teens, and who wouldnt know, what i am talking about. i wanna be just like her. a KID. whose going to school, coming back, eating, sleeping, doing homework, watching television, and sleeping again is LIFE. who knows, she can call out mom, and she will be there with her. who knows, if she shouts babaaaaaa, he will be there to help her solve her math queries.
WHY CANT WE SOLVE LIFE, JUST LIKE WE SOLVE MATHS QUESTIONS? or even if we cant, can ask someone who is good at it, and get highest grade in it? or can look up for the answers at the end of the punjab textbook board mathematics book?
is life not supposed to be easy? or is this difficult, only for me?
i just wanna be a kid again, who doesnt fret about losing the things he/she already has, and who doesnt fret about the things, he/she wanna have!
welcome to twenties nudrat apa, how does it feel? let me guess, bold and beautiful? no, yea? lol. i so know how it feels, feel as if u have entered into this world where only OLD people live, and u are a part of them? if yes then great, cause trust me i have felt even worse :P how i felt, lets not talk about it, i wanna talk about YOU . *stretches out arms wide and waits for you to hug*
well, 20 years back, on 16th august, a girl was born. her family was so excited, to have a little girl a part of them. but exactly after 1 month and 3 days, on 19th sep, an even cuter and a prettier girl was born. the family got excited-er. every one was holding that baby girl, and the other baby, the older one, saw the girl with envious eyes, and she grew with rage and grudge against her. cause the new one came, and every one has forgotten the older one. *wink wink*
so the one month and three days older baby girl is me, and the younger one is nudrat apa. *why i call her apa, well thats another, long story :P)
which makes us, known to each other, all our lives.
time pased by and we grew closer, rather than apart. a-lot years back, we werent as close as we are today, and used t fight over silly, stupid things, and get jealous, for the other one had a better frock, or the other one got more eidi :Pits when we were kids and had no idea, what really life is, and how mean the people are. now, i cannot imagine my life without you. i love you so much!
our moms are sisters, and our dads are brothers, so that makes us even closer. the nanial (moms side) and dadial (dads side) are the same. we know everyone in our lives, i reckon :P. so we bicker, and backbite, and gossip about EVERYONE. its just so much fun.
i love you to bits nudrat apa.u have been everything to me. without yu i am incomplete. you are a part of me. you have been the mother to me, the one i could bug anytime to ask for advices. you have been the father to me, the father who dint understand ealier, what i wanted from my life. the sister, who is my age-fellow. the brother, who is strong, and can take steps for me. the bet friend, i could share everything with, and the one who tells me whats looks best on me. the intelligent grade-fellow, who could tell me, what important and whats not. the cousin, who is family. the boyfriend, i could always and always text, and share all my ecrets with. the career counselor, who told me what i am best at. the lawyer, who told me, doing what i want in my life is my right and i should fight for it. the stronger part of me, who always helped me, get over lame guys i liked.
you live in lahore, and i live in karachi. we have never lived in the same home stations, but have to wait for long days and nights, and bloody weekend when we can see each other. specially when i am in lahore at nanos, and we cant wait to see each other, and we make plans how we could talk our parents, to get to take us to the other place, just so we could be together. we have those slumber parties and we sing songs aloud and just do crazy crazy stuff together.
i long for days when i could be with you. even right now. not cause only i love you, but cause i enjoy so much with you.
nudrat apa, you are the most beautiful girl i know. and the best thing that has ever happened to me. i want the very best for you. i wish and pray, that your days be brighter and nights be brighter-er.and i pray your life be worry-less, and you get whats best for you. DONT LEAVE ME, EVER. take good care of yours, and dont get ill again. i am of you, the way u fulfilled your dream, and the way u took care of nanos place when nana abu died, and how caring and beautiful you are, damn, i still envy you! :P
i hope you get someone whos hot, and handsome, and caring and rich, and who will love you for you, till death. not only cause i want that for you, i do, really, but also cause, you fucking deserve it :D
writing this was the only thing i could do, and which was the easiest :P but i mean each and every word i wrote. i know i havent been ME, lately, and am sorry for that.i wish i were there with you, right now. hugs and kisses. much love. x x. stay blessed.
heres one of the BEST pictures we have had together, and the one i could post :P
(the pretty one is she, i.e the one on the right side :P)
wasnt the rain like uh-mazing? it was beautiful. though i feel bad for the homeless people, i mean they had a tough time draining out the water from their small homes, and fretting about how much more this rains gonna cost them, but, apart from that, it was great. the weather was unbelievable. i had a hard time believing, that its actually Karachi, and not Islamabad or Lahore.
i stood by the window, most of the time, and enjoyed the beautiful raindrops falling. the circular motion made by the droplets, in the water, was so mesmerizing and inspiring. guess what i did, i played backstreet boys first record, millenium. it was so much fun, i sung my heart out. my old, favourite songs!
the rain messed up the lines and the cables. phone lines and electricity lines. every half an hour the power went off. it was hard to the generator switched on, and then off, for short time spans, after every little while. then my cable net was effed up. three days without internet, ugh. and on the top of all, the ptcl lines were messed up too. can you believe it? no net, no light, no phone? yeah, it felt like i am living in the fucking STONE-AGE. grrrr. my cell phones battery isnt really good, and i have to charge my phone usually twice a day to make sure its power wont go off (and i dont text much now, i am over texting) so i had to use my phone only when it were very urgent and important, cause of the frigging electricity. so hell yeah, it felt as if, Pakistans back in stone-age. GOD BLESS PAKISTAN! *sarcastic smile*
mom and dad are back. they got back home yesterday. i finally could take a big sigh of relief *whewww*. moms not really doing fine. she keeps on crying, telling me about everything there. i cried so much yesterday too. i got back to my senses. my numbness was gone, and my tears actually came out of my eyes, finally. i cried my eyes off then. its such a big loss, everytime i think about it, i cry, for i know, we have lost a gem.
every ones super sad, back there in Lahore too. nano (gran-ma), mamus (uncles) and khalas(aunts). =c all i say is HE IS STILL WITH US. HE LIVES, AND WILL ALWAYS LIVE IN OUR HEARTS.
now, apart from all this, something crazy and totally humiliating happened yesterday. i was talking to my friend. he is a guy friend, and we are pretty close. anyways, when i was texting him, i wrote this big, lengthy, 3 page text to my youngest mamu and khala. i wrote how helpless i am, and how sad is mom still. and that take good care of yourself. and wrote alot more, this sorta caring stuff. i ended the text, by writing, i love you, alot. and i am sorry i am not there with you right now. x x.
and i sent this text to him, mistakenly. i mean my friend. can u believe it? i dint know i sent him, this personal piece of my writing, and so i got a text from him, he saying, since when did u love me? :o annnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddd dammit. it was sooooooo humiliating. i mean, yea i love him, but just as a friend, and would never be in like love LOVE with him. crap. i felt like ripping my hair off my own head, and going in some planet where he doesnt know i exist.
touch phones suck, MAJORLY. so if u use one, double check before sending any text.
how i texted him back, that just i know :P
p.s imma make sure i read all your posts soon, and comment too. i missed blogger these last few STONE-AGE days, and missed you guys more. =)
i have been doing thinking, these last few days. obviously, we are humans and we are not inevitable. our dreams die. most of all, we die. cause thats why we were born on the first place. i have felt alone. and i have felt guilt too. i am guilty, cause i couldnt be there with my family, and cousins, when they needed me the most. when they were in such a mess.
on the other hand, all my life, i have heard people say that their parents werent in town, and they are under no supervision at all. all alone, allowed to do whatever they want. sounds cool, yeah? no, trust me. all my life i have envied such people, but, these few days, when mom and dad are away, far far away in Lahore, i miss them so much. i wish time passes soon, and they come back soon too.
i am the leader, of my siblings now a days, and thats just so not easy. i have to make sure of so many things. make sure they eat properly, they study on time. dont over sleep, and most of all, dont spend all their day watching telly and face-booking. and i have to make sure, the house is in its presentable-state. i dont really have to cook, cause we have a cook who makes us what ever we want to eat. but thats not easy too, i have to tell him this has to be made, and all the things to needed to make it, are available at home.
everything is a mess. big MESS. =S
p.s my university was to be started from the morning, but luckily, now its been postponed till wednesday, probably cause of the rains. or IDK. my best friend in uni is leaving for dubai, tomorrow, so i actually want the uni to remain closed till she comes back, probably after a week.
p.p.s sorry for not commenting on all of your posts, i come online in a hurry, but i make sure i read them all.
p.p.p.s OVAIS i still have your tag in mind. i hope i post it soon.
i wanted to write so so much today. but unfortunately, a news came by. my granddad (nana) died.
mom and dads left. leaving me the head of the house for a few days.
we (siblings) dint go cause they have school, and i had to be here to look up for them.
he (nana abu) wasnt well for a long time. he had lost his memory, and he was bed-ridden. we met him like a month back, when he could still open his eyes and smile. we all knew, that, his times near, but u never want the one you love with all your heart, to leave you, anyhow.
i am so down, yet helpless. everybody tells me i have to be strong, cause i have two younger siblings to look after. i consoled my mom, but i have no words to console any other family member. i have no tears left too. i am numb. emotionless now.
he was such an inspiring personality. graceful and pious. when i look back, i know he might be the only person who loved me for ME. i will miss him so bad.
i wish i had some one to cry on his/her shoulders. or someone i could talk to, who could speak the right words and make me feel safe. i wish i had someone just to tell me its not such a big loss.
i feel so insecure. =(
i feel as if theres nothing to be done. no words to be said. no deeds to be done. for every ones to leave some day.
i hope hes ranked high in the heaven. and all his sins be forgiven by Allah. AMEN.
sometimes time takes us back to the thought, of imagining the pity time, wanting what you have wanted the most. through days and nights have passed, you craving for that one thing. and now, times have changed, you have known what you have asked for, never meant to be yours.
u now know that you have to live with the fact, that what you wanted had Gods will and it might turn out good for you.
but there is a little pain inside you, still wondering what I really wanted, actually that bad? was it really going to hurt you. or someone? intentionally or unintentionally?
and then you realize its too late to even think of it. SOMETHINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE.
the other day i was going through my cupboard, and i found my old scrapbook, aka my personal day to day diary. it dated august 2008 - july 2009. waay old, when i was just 17. haha. the though of it makes me feel stupid and lame. it was the time when i dint even know what LMAO and BRB and ASAP meant :P
so, it has collages, and the WORST-OF-AL-TIMES-RANDOM-STUFF. the postcards i used to collect from barbie bubble gum (yes i did that :P) newspaper letters cut and pasted in a collage. man, i dint even remember i had that book still ALIVE, in my cupboard.
well, i started reading, and it started of with me going to Lahore and meeting up with my SO-CALLED cousins from canada after 4 years. back then, we used to live in Pindi, and it wasnt a big deal to go to Lahore on weekends. this one time, we really enjoyed when we saw JANAY TU.. YA JANAY NAA together, and danced like crazy peeps on pappu :P. and the other time, we really laughed our asses off was when we saw a bunch of wanna-bees, LITERAL wanna-bees, standing on their rooftop, with dumbbells in their hands. LMAO. and they had this pretty-ly wanna-bee-ish girl standing in between. it was hillarious, i laughed out so hard and loud, that they heard me, got astonished and gave me what.did.we.do looks. LOL. i dont know, but to me it seemed they were tryin to win over the girl showing off their muscles. OMG. lame but funnnaaayyyy. :P
the other time, when me and my friend were doing absolutely nothing, in the chemistry lab, and the lab assistant called out the whole class, that these were the best students in the whole sections, u better should bring your butts up here and learn something from them. LOL
the other times when my crush used to have a crush on me, and he usually waited for me near the end of the staircase to catch up on me, and we should talk. and when he gave me those totally.blowing.away smiles :P
when my teacher, who kinda used to think of me as a very intelligent student made me the cllass monitor. i was sooo embarrassed, i was blushing.
once when my friends woke me up, early in the morning (i have the cant.wake.up.early.in.the.moring.in.the.holidays syndrome), just so that i can come online.
the first time i was proposed, and he was the one i had been waiting for, for so lonng. and when, the very first time i was somebodys valentine, and how special that day was.and the first date, yeah u can call it that, he came near my place, and i sneaked out just to see him. awed, right? :P (its all over now btw. just a shit-bag, i really thought i fancied. totally regret it now).
when i cleared all my board exams. what a relief it was. whewww. my chemistry exam was P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C, and i had no hope, at all, that i will clear it.
the first time i bough heels, and wore them to MONAL, (thats a resturaunt on Peer Sohawa, the mountain in islamabad, with loads of steep slopes and iregular path ways) and broke one on my heels. LOL.
and so much more...
the scrapbook reminded me of the long, lost good times. how careless i were back then, about EVERYTHING. and what a freak i used to be (now that u know a lil abt my past too, u can say that too :P). i dnt think, i will ever have the guts to throw such a thing as this, no matter how lame or hillarious it is. i own it, and these were the best days of my life. =)
so, eid wasnt as bummerastic as i thought it would be. wokeup at 1 30 pm. i slept at 8 am the last night, not that i was doing any thing special in particular, i just couldnt sleep. maybe jealous-y :P or the normal day-dream stuff. but whateves.
anyways, i worked up, changed, put on liner and gloss, did my hair, and actually looked good =). and cause there wasnt anybody frank enough to to be asked for eidi, i just got a 1000 bucks from my dad. all the random crap, eh? i know :P. i was actually thinking about how much everybody back there in Lahore would be enjoying. and how much more eidi they would have gotten. lucky peeps. aaahh yeah, so me? i know, right :P
ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE I HOPE U ALL MUST HAVE HAD A DAY TO BE CHERISHED ALWAYS =)
well, heres the real deal. I GOT FAT. or maybe FATTER. can you believe it? ramadan did that. the unlimited snacks and leftovers in intervals after aftari, and going to bed straight after sehri. it totally turned me into a hipo. (not literally, of course, but metamorphicaly :P) i wore this shirt of mine, i wore like to uni around three weeks back, and man i did feel it got tighter. then on the other day, i tried my old skinnies, and it literally took me around 5 mins to to get it up. =O. OMG. thank God, i wore a long shirt over it otherwise my bums really would have made a scene :P
well, so, i have made up my mind, and i will be going to gym, for like an hour daily, or else i could be turned into a hipo, LITERALLY. i am just not sure, since when i would be starting with this routine :P i hope sooooooooooooooooon.
uni is about to start again, around a week or so left. UNFORTUNATELY, am looking forward to it. i cant wait to meet my friends, and gossip :P i mean who doesnt love gossiping, eh? NO ONE, right? :P
and guess what, my complexions gone fairer. yaaaaaaaaayyy. thanks to staying up at home all month, nd not roaming in the campus =D i totally feel the difference. LOL.
one more thing, i have saved around 3000 bucks, in Ramadan. thanks to not.allowed.to.eat.anything. i can actually spend them on something i dig. HATS OFF TO ME, RIGHT? drumroll please, *bows* :P. im super excited about my saving. its not so occasionally i save up money, ya see :P
around 2 months ago, i went to this friends sisters wedding. it wasnt a total out of the ordinary, omgsocooool wedding. but there was a cool element to it. there was this guy, this HAWT guy, i saw and ohmigosh totally forgot everything else (expect for do i look ok for him to notice :P).
i was like LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME. U SUCKER, LOOK AT ME, HERRRRRREE, HELLLLOOOOOO. :P trust me. he was like the hottest guy i have seen since like forever. trust me, i study in a fashion institute ans all i get to see there are GAYS. haah haaaahh. like seriously. =O
anyways, i was like there, standing with all my other friends, and praying, please let him see me. pleeeeeeeeeaaassseee.
and then one of my friends said, MAHNOOOR HE TOTALLY CHECKED YOU OUT. wooohoooooo. i was excited. super duper excited. couldnt jump in heels but i was jumping by my face expressions. (u culd have known if you were there :P)
all the time i was like, checking if i look ok. going to get pepsi, and food from near to where hes standing. working around the wooden ramp, just trying to tell him i exist. :P
the time flied then. seriously. just when i was sure he. is. checking. me. out, my dad called me and said, come on it late, im out. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. BLAST.
sooo i went home, and tried to tell myself to forget him. hes just another guy i saw. and i knew i ll be over him in a day or two :P. the next day at uni. my friend, the one whos sisters wedding it was, told me he was one of her friends and all. BUMMER right. i know, here i am trying to get over him, and there shes telling me stuff about him.
ok, well, now after like so much time,specially when i had forgotten him, i get a text, and hes UZAIR, the same guy, i was crushing on, the irony. i was excited, but not excited too. i mean i had moved on.
anyways, i was like, yaaay, hot guys notice me too, yaaay yaaaaay, a mutual crush =D
but here the catch, after a while, when we got friends, other than just strangers, i get to know hes a year YOUNGER to me. fucking stinking shit. now this is the real bummer. LUCKY ME. *bangs head on the wall*.
soooooooo......nothing left to say haaan, =S. but im doing ok. i mean it happens right. he was just too good for me. or maybe, vice versa. I WAS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. (this is what my best friend tellls me, and as i always believe her, imma believe her on this too :D)
first of all, im so glad i got so many good comments about the little story i wrote. lol. i know its not the best one, but i have just started writing and its probably gonna take me some time. anyways u made me blushing. literally. :D and the butterfly effect, well thanks so so so much, u gave me the bestest advices =)
well, life is totally random. sleep after sehri. wake up after 3 :P. tv and namaz. then aftaari, and then blogging. no uni, no hangouts, no fun. i realli never thought i would miss my uni and friends, but i really am missing her. now i know why people say they are bored when they are at home, not worrying about homework :P
well, cause of my dads posting, we live ALONE here. alone as in no family in Karachi. all my cousins are totally enjoying there in LAHORE. day before yesterday, my nano had the grand aftari. yesterday, my cousins had one. today, it was at my moms chachas. i know, the relation isnt pretty close, but we are closest friends with them. my cousins text me daily, cause they know im getting super jealous, and they enjoy it. :P i know right. thats sometimes how ur bestest friends behave. I MISS LAHORE SO MUCH, and i wanna be there :(
and other than that, im so bored. massive boredome. i AM reading the kitaab my dad gave my, but im slow. and i cannot read it always :P
tv. well tv is boring too. sometimes theres absolutely nothing coming over. and sometimes every channel has something kewl coming, and u end up getting confused what to see. trust me. :P
and well thats so much for today. theres alot more random stuff going on, but this randomness is enough, no?? :P
there he was. standing and waiting. looking calm and handsome, young and confident, just as he always has been. he was at the airport. waiting for the girl hes loved with all his heart. the one who hes been waiting for around 5 years. today, finally she was coming over. to live with his family, as a family, un till she finds a suitable place to work and live in his country. he was ecstatic. yet nervous. hes meeting the girl hes dreamt of, continuously, day and night, summer and winter. and what not. he checks himself once more in the side mirror of his car, checks if he looks ok. makes a silent prayer, sighs, and and moves towards the door with a smile, the arriving door for its about time.
there she was, waiting for her luggage to arrive, all the long 18 hours trip, shes been thinking, and thinking, and recalling and thinking, if he loves her too. shes so happy, yet very nervous. shes spent the whole previous night, putting on dresses. making sure shes wearing the right dress when she meets him there. shes loved him since the last time they met. only and ONLY him, with all her heart. sobbed n silence, laughed thinking about the fun times they have spent together. standing in the lounge, waiting for the luggage, she gives her final touches her makes to hide the imperfect features, smiles. her luggage is here, she picks that up, sighs and moves ahead for its about time, shes meeting him.
when they last time they met, it were summers. they both were young and not sure about what they really want from their lives. they are family. their parents know each other. they have loved one another for so long, from all their hearts, they know they are the one. they have spent every minute of the last 5 years, thinking of each other, and waited forever for this to come. they have been friends throughout the 5 years. not very good friends, just by-the-way friends. not that they both dint wanna be close friends, they wanted to be close, just none of them had the courage to speak up. they were afraid, if they say so, they might loose the some-some friendship they have got. LIFE CAN BE SO UNFAIR, YET FAIR AT THE SAME TIME. SIGHSSS.
finally today, they meet. they look at each other, eye to eye, and after some seconds they look aside. both are nervously excited. but both are cowards. but they cant help it. thats how life has been to them. she reaches near, he takes her luggage, they smile at each other, and she leaves with him. BOTH UNKNOWN OF THE WORLDS BIGGEST SECRET.
my dad gave me this book, Urdu book, named JUB ZINDAGI SHURU HOGI (when the life will start), like two months ago. i keep on changing the topic whenever he asks me about it. :P.
okayyyy, i did start it, but i couldnt catch up with it.
i cant read an urdu kitaab. i mean i respect urdu and all. but i CANNOT read it. its difficult. and verrrryyyyy difficult. :P i remember my first and second year, i used to cram all the tashreehs and muhawaraaat. now, when finally i am over that time, let me enjoy, right. :P.
he asked me again, did u read it? and this time his facial expressions showed he means it. i said yes i did, but i cannot catch up with it. its mushkil abba. he gave me THAT faujio waali look, and i knew i was in trouble. now hes asked me, if not it, then no more ENGLISH books :P dammmmn. so that means i have to put my head in it and try to read it. this is so unfair, right.
and on the top of all, I HAVE GOT ONE FRIGGING WEEK. aaahhhh noooo....
sooo imma try reading it. i keep telling myself, that if he says its good, it has to be good. but i cant help it man. Urdu is just not my thing. sorry, but seriously :P
i hope i finish it. i ll tell you guys if i succeed... *fingers crossed*
it rained here, in Karachi. a little. but enough to make me realize, that the sky itself is crying cos of the bloodshed here =(. the road is just wet. and the clouds are black. it appears that they have so much to say, but are helpless. LIKE US=(.
the past few days, i have seen so many, sin-less people die of the target killing. it kills me too. inside, indeed =(
and i dont know what else to say. got so much more to say, but have no clue where to start from or end.
i made a pact. that i aint going to listen to any songs in Ramadan. i am going to be a good Muslim. at least imma try real real hard. big. but guess where i ended, i ended up craving for hard, metal rock :P. it brings shame to me too, but i cant help myself. :P.
FOO FIGHTERS AND THREE DAYS GRACE ARE AWESOME. AWESOMENESS.
ps this is the music i can listen to no matter what mood i am in. i know its no super metal rock. :P
okay, well today, my finals result was coming out. you know what i hated about semester system the most, after the BOARD K IMTEHAANAAT :P (board exams), is that you have results all the time. class assignment. mid term. class assignments. and then final. same scene the whole year. ughh. it gets on my nerves now.
anyways, till sehri i couldnt sleep. for i was so darn worried. i kept on changing postures in my bed. i even tried listening to songs to change my worried thoughts. at last, i got up, switched on the laptop ans started you-tubing random stuff.
after sehri, i tried sleeping again. but in vain. i couldnot sleep, AT ALL. time passed, i kept on praying, saying darud shareef, and i dont know when, but i slept. my phones vibration woke me up. it was a text message from my friend. she was worried too, and couldnt sleep herself. we talked a while, and then i slept again. now here the whole imagination thing starts. i had no clue how i did in the exams. i mean yeah, i knew whatto do, and i did that, but then again who knows how teachers grade you at the end of the semester. i saw that i got 2.7 gpa. dammmmit. sucks. i know, right. i wanted more than 3. well im all worried looking out for teachers, and other people related to all of this thing. i finf a friend of mine in the middle of it. one of my friends, i had texted earlier, to check my result too, if she reaches there early. in my dream, she tells me that dude theres something wrong, it cant be yours. and when i see my result sheet after that, shes right, there some official mistake, and i take it to this uncle we have who solves all our problems, he rechecks it, and there, i have got 3.2 in real. what a relief. i smile. i am happy. ecstatic. and suddenly, i realise, it was a dream. i open my eyes and dammmmmn IT WAS A DREAM. sucks majorly, i know.
then again, i check my phone, say daruud shareef, and sleep some where in between. i see another dream. this time, another of my friend has my sheet, and it says u scored 3 gpa. whoooaaa, i am so glad. for i knew, more than 3 is impossible, after the exams i have taken. i am so excited. i tell all others. 3 gpa, wow. to me, i aced it. and i am all happy, then suddenly my phone vibrates again, and i am awoken. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL. mannn. fucking shit. not again. im so broken.
anyways, i dont sleep after that. though my result isnt really good, i am glad i cleared all the coarses :P. but yeah, nt as good as 3.5, the last times :P.
i felt different. i felt old. very old. i felt insecure. and i was way more pissed off than excited. i turned 20 on august 16, 2011. whoooohooooaaaa 20. huge figure.
i kept on praying clock stops. time stops. the world stops. (how lame, i know :P). that 16th august, 2011 never comes, but, it DID. clock struck 12 and there you gooo... my sister and brother shouted, HAPPY BIRTHDAAYYY, as if they had nothing better to do, and there and then, the day was here. the day when i wont be a teenager anymore, the day when everyone will call me a grown up. AAAHHHHHHHH.
well then what, my mom and dad gave me a hug. and kisses. and my phone started buzzing. and beeping. and calls and calls, making me believe that the thing have changed now, FOR SURE. my cousins called me first. all three. sisters. saying i wanna talk, its my turn, gimme the phone, its my turn now, (:P thats so cute, right :P .)as if they all wanna tease me over. saying out loud, welcome to the twentiessss, you are officially oldest to all of us. and then again calls and text messages. it was pretty much the same till 2. everyone saying, budhi hogai ho. ohh hoooooo 20. samajhdar hojao ab. (get mature :P). and so much more.
slept, woke up. 4 hours up. ten hours up. and the day was still not over. oh wait, nooooooooo facebook. dammmmmnnn. when i was logging in, i made a silent prayer that please her, make my friends realise its a public place. not my wall pleassse. not my wall. and THANK GOD, here there werent much of the taunts and the teases. whewwwwww. sigh of relief. loads of wishes, and good ones. the ones who teased me over texts, were smooth here :P. they realized i have people here on fb. :P.
anyways, finally the day was about to be over. i was glad. but a little sad too. i mean, though i wasnt very excited, the day was filled with excitement and fun :). even long, lost friends out of nowhere wished me. close friends made me realize how lucky i am to have them. and most of all, i have been given another years to enjot to the fullest. and be thankful for the beautiful life i have. i know the risk of getting married has come very near now :P. but thats ok. im sure my parents could wait, till i am ready. not that they are cnsidering any specific rishta for now, but you know Pakistani parents, dont you :P.
and the day finally came to an end. i enjoyed. actually the insecurity of getting older is the real twist here :P. so, officially i kicked my teens, and welcomed my twenties, and hoped to become a better human being :D.
now when i am 20 years, and two days old, i dont think something major changed. :P. it was my lame head. i did change. changed for good. sooo if you havent turned 20 yet, and are a teen, enjoy it to the most, as you will never get it back, and please dont be scared like i was, cause its one day to be cherished like all the others :) and yeah, cut a cake, unlike me :P.
to tell you, honesty, i am not a patriot. as in not a wannabee patriot. i mean obvsly i love Pakistan and all, but really? people who do noting about our country the whole year, are just uselessly forwarding you independence day texts. i mean gimme a break. you are the one whose littering our roads, abusing their so called country, telling, man there no freaking future of Pakistan. saying bad things about our good leaders. busy in bribing. i know, things are rough in Pakistan, but hellooo dude, its basically cause of your own bloody self. you love PAKISTAN for just a day, the independence day, and then the following day, you are back to normal. all the loves phooof-ed, as if you have like moved on.
not that i do aloooot of stuff for my country too, but at least i try caring for the little things. and i do all i can. that i can easily do. i am not bluffing, or tooting my own horn. but, we are having a serious talk here. :P.
i am sure you all KNOW such people, and i am sure u hate them too. but, the point is, why cant we do anything about it? why NOT. its our own country, for crying out loud.
well, i had a day off. and the weathers been too cozy, so for someone like me whos got this waking up early in the morning DISORDER can understand what i mean :P. but nooo i did not get to sleep till late. i had to be up EARLY for i have an exam tomorrow, and the administration wala told me that i have some attendence issue, which has got to be resolved or else i wont be allowed to take my exam. can u believe it. how pathetic. well then , just like the past three days that i have been following and looking for my teacher, i got up, in this AWESOME mausam (weather), got ready, uggghh, and went to the campus.
i enetered hoping that today i will find her and talk to her. but my bad. shes been busy talking with the director. i mean how pathetic. i know, the directors new, and it will take him time to understand the bloody rules and regulations we have here, but man, he needs some space. you know, watching you, three days in a row, talking to him, does make students think theres something fishy. :P.
aaahhhh, then what, i went looking around, the hall and classrooms so i find some friend. and finally i find a couple of people i know. i wait, with THEM for they need to get some assignments marked too. i mean, how unbelievingly mean. you come here for the sake of students, and all the students are here WAITING for you. that sucks you know, and specially when you have nothing to do, but here just for the sake of some unknown issue u have to take care of, ALONE, how rude of the administration.
well then, after an hour and a half, she finally leaves the director alone. we goooo, OHH YEAAH OHH YEAAAAH. but whattttt the hellllllll. she has some other guy in her so called office already. ewww man, u need to get some grip. helllloooooooooo. students want to talk to you too.
anyway, after a lonnnnggg wait. as in L.O.N.G wait, shes ALONE now and we can go to talk to her. well then without wasting anytime, i step in. she looks at me and goes, hey what? i say, madam i had some attendence issue, REMEMBER. and she says oh baita, that, THAT HAS BEEN RESOLVED.
can you believe it. RESOLVED. then why the hell did i get up EARLY. came in here. waited for you, with a bunch of losers. wasted so much of time. kill me man. oh no, kill you. :@
and then, i give her this wierd look, say ohhhhhhhhhhhhh okaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy. and left. can you imagine. what a start of a day.
okay, it must hav occurred to all of you at like some moment in your life, some time. it does. cos no matter how kool i have tried to stay, and showed to too, i do miss my old friends. no matter what, they have been a part of my life, some time i have known. i am always scared, when i start hanging out with someone new, cause, life is mean like most of the time.
so there, like a few months ago, i had known this friend. we were super cool, as in c.o.o.l, really. we used to talk about anything and everything. late night talks, discussing useless stuff. even cigarette brands LOL. now its all gone, and i miss him.
the most intersting part, we had like never met. he was my bestfriends boyfriend. and thats how i got to know about him, i loved him, for i knew noone out there, can love her more than this guy does. he understood everything. never argued about useless stuff. always considerate. always thoughtful. always loving. aaaahhh, never known a better guy in my life. and to clear the misunderstanding, i was never jealous. nope. n.e.v.e.r. i always envied her.
and just like the other days, one day they both just texted me, told me, things have gotten tough. messed up. and i got all shocked. but then, sometimes somethings are not meant to be. unfair but true.
now me and my bezzies still got both of us, but he, man hes alone. hes lost the one he loved from all his heart, but also, the one true friend he could share everything with.
not that i havent triead ever to talk to him. i did text him alot of times before, for he was the one who said you dont leave me, but he never tried to be friends now. we havent really gotten off the track. we see eachother online of facebook often, but then again, we arent the friends we used to be anymore. we are just the people we know. just PEOPLE. and i miss the friend i knew.
i dont curse him or anything. i mean i know things havent been easier for him. for if ever he needs someone he can trust, always, i know he will think of me, and i will always cherish the fun times i have had with him.
well, i have been under the influence of blogging since forever. have read so much about it. and thats always wanted me to come start over. today, 8th of august 2011, i did end up finally signing up for blogger. so, im totally confused and dunno much about it. my profile must be preetty s.i.m.p.l.e, but bear with it a few days people, im sure i will learn about all of it soooooon.
incase, u couldnot see it from the way i wrote, im verry excited about signing up. aaahhhhhh, FINALLLYYY =)