i wanna be a kid again. DON'T YOU?

i wanna be a kid again. or someone who just got into her teens. who is so excited, and cant wait to be a girl. who is unaware of this cruel, big, mean world. who can do what ever her mind tells her to. who can wear anything without having second thoughts. cry in front of the whole world. who is not afraid of what people will call her, or fret about what names would people call her from. most importantly, who thinks love is the one hot boyfriend, who fake promises her to be with her forever, believes him, and thinks this is who she were born in this world to be with.

i wanna runaway. runaway from this world. from this home. from these friends. from this life. i wanna run somewhere, far, far away. somewhere, where being happy and being yourself wont be a sin.

everything around me, makes me wonder, if what i really want to have such a big sin? or is what i wanna do so unfair to the people i love. is not talking to anyone, is called being mean, or is me not getting highest grades in my class quizes, a disappointment to my parents?
and people, trying to help me get. a. LIFE. call that salvation? i dont get this world. i dont get what people are, and who they want to be. the deeper i dig in, the more scarier it becomes. i cant call myself depressed, i think i am just scared.

i sometimes want to know a person, who i could ask this stuff from. who could help me know what life really means. and who could give me answers to all these silly yet effusive questions, and also answerable ones, to alot of people.
i ask my dad, and he says, u are just bummed, cause of the work load on your shoulders, from university. how do i tell him, its nothing to do with the work load, or maybe he understands what i ask, but dont answer cause he wants me to find out this real world, myself?
i ask my mom, and she says, only if my dad were alive, and he could answer to all these questions in your head. i know she is right, and yeah, he could answer to all these questions, but now hes not here, and thats not my fault, right?
i ask my brother, and he says, do i look like a philosopher to you?
i ask my best friend, and she says, shes all alone, in this big, scary world, herself?

i cant ask my sister, cause she is just a kid, who got into her teens, and who wouldnt know, what i am talking about. i wanna be just like her. a KID. whose going to school, coming back, eating, sleeping, doing homework, watching television, and sleeping again is LIFE. who knows, she can call out mom, and she will be there with her. who knows, if she shouts babaaaaaa, he will be there to help her solve her math queries.
WHY CANT WE SOLVE LIFE, JUST LIKE WE SOLVE MATHS QUESTIONS? or even if we cant, can ask someone who is good at it, and get highest grade in it? or can look up for the answers at the end of the punjab textbook board mathematics book?

is life not supposed to be easy? or is this difficult, only for me?

i just wanna be a kid again, who doesnt fret about losing the things he/she already has, and who doesnt fret about the things, he/she wanna have!

what is wrong with THAT?

my friend: buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. mahnooooooooooooooooooooooor???????

me: yeah?

my friend: mahnoor_babar follows justin bieber? =o

me: yeaah! :P

my friend: ahh. you and your standards!!

me: *dumbfounded*

what is wrong with me liking Justin Bieber? :O

a BIRTHDAY/love letter to my best friend

welcome to twenties nudrat apa, how does it feel? let me guess, bold and beautiful? no, yea? lol. i so know how it feels, feel as if u have entered into this world where only OLD people live, and u are a part of them? if yes then great, cause trust me i have felt even worse :P how i felt, lets not talk about it, i wanna talk about YOU  . *stretches out arms wide and waits for you to hug*

well, 20 years back, on 16th august, a girl was born. her family was so excited, to have a little girl a part of them. but exactly after 1 month and 3 days, on 19th sep, an even cuter and a prettier girl was born. the family got excited-er. every one was holding that baby girl, and the other baby, the older one, saw the girl with envious eyes, and she grew with rage and grudge against her. cause the new one came, and every one has forgotten the older one. *wink wink*

so the one month and three days older baby girl is me, and the younger one is nudrat apa. *why i call her apa, well thats another, long story :P)

which makes us, known to each other, all our lives.

time pased by and we grew closer, rather than apart. a-lot years back, we werent as close as we are today, and used t fight over silly, stupid things, and get jealous, for the other one had a better frock, or the other one got more eidi :Pits when we were kids and had no idea, what really life is, and how mean the people are. now, i cannot imagine my life without you. i love you so much!

our moms are sisters, and our dads are brothers, so that makes us even closer. the nanial (moms side) and dadial (dads side) are the same. we know everyone in our lives, i reckon :P. so we bicker, and backbite, and gossip about EVERYONE. its just so much fun.

i love you to bits nudrat apa.u have been everything to me. without yu i am incomplete. you are a part of me. you have been the mother to me, the one i could bug anytime to ask for advices. you have been the father to me, the father who dint understand ealier, what i wanted from my life. the sister, who is my age-fellow. the brother, who is strong, and can take steps for me. the bet friend, i could share everything with, and the one who tells me whats looks best on me. the intelligent grade-fellow, who could tell me, what important and whats not. the cousin, who is family. the boyfriend, i could always and always text, and share all my ecrets with. the career counselor, who told me what i am best at. the lawyer, who told me, doing what i want in my life is my right and i should fight for it. the stronger part of me, who always helped me, get over lame guys i liked.

you live in lahore, and i live in karachi. we have never lived in the same home stations, but have to wait for long days and nights, and bloody weekend when we can see each other. specially when i am in lahore at nanos, and we cant wait to see each other, and we make plans how we could talk our parents, to get to take us to the other place, just so we could be together. we have those slumber parties and we sing songs aloud and just do crazy crazy stuff together.

i long for days when i could be with you. even right now. not cause only i love you, but cause i enjoy so  much with you.

nudrat apa, you are the most beautiful girl i know. and the best thing that has ever happened to me. i want the very best for you. i wish and pray, that your days be brighter and nights be brighter-er.and i pray your life be worry-less, and you get whats best for you. DONT LEAVE ME, EVER. take good care of yours, and dont get ill again. i am of you, the way u fulfilled your dream, and the way u took care of nanos place when nana abu died, and how caring and beautiful you are, damn, i still envy you! :P

i hope you get someone whos hot, and handsome, and caring and rich, and who will love you for you, till death. not only cause i want that for you, i do, really, but also cause, you fucking deserve it :D

writing this was the only thing i could do, and which was the easiest :P but i mean each and every word i wrote. i know i havent been ME, lately, and am sorry for that.i wish i were there with you, right now. hugs and kisses. much love. x x. stay blessed.

heres one of the BEST pictures we have had together, and the one i could post :P

(the pretty one is she, i.e the one on the right side :P)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, beautiful. keep smiling =)

happy yet sad. relieved yet humiliated.

wasnt the rain like uh-mazing? it was beautiful. though i feel bad for the homeless people, i mean they had a tough time draining out the water from their small homes, and fretting about how much more this rains gonna cost them, but, apart from that, it was great. the weather was unbelievable. i  had a hard time believing, that its actually Karachi, and not Islamabad or Lahore.

i stood by the window, most of the time, and enjoyed the beautiful raindrops falling. the circular motion made by the droplets, in the water, was so mesmerizing and inspiring. guess what i did, i played backstreet boys first record, millenium. it was so much fun, i sung my heart out. my old, favourite songs!

the rain messed up the lines and the cables. phone lines and electricity lines. every half an hour the power went off. it was hard to the generator switched on, and then off, for short time spans, after every little while. then my cable net was effed up. three days without internet, ugh. and on the top of all, the ptcl lines were messed up too. can you believe it? no net, no light, no phone? yeah, it felt like i am living in the fucking STONE-AGE. grrrr. my cell phones battery isnt really good, and i have to charge my phone usually twice a day to make sure its power wont go off (and i  dont text much now, i am over texting) so i had to use my phone only when it were very urgent and important, cause of the frigging electricity. so hell yeah, it felt as if, Pakistans back in stone-age. GOD BLESS PAKISTAN! *sarcastic smile*

mom and dad are back. they got back home yesterday. i finally could take a big sigh of relief *whewww*. moms not really doing fine. she keeps on crying, telling me about everything there. i cried so much yesterday too. i got back to my senses. my numbness was gone, and my tears actually came out of my eyes, finally. i cried my eyes off then. its such a big loss, everytime i think about it, i cry, for i know, we have lost a gem.

every ones super sad, back there in Lahore too. nano (gran-ma), mamus (uncles) and khalas(aunts). =c all i say is HE IS STILL WITH US. HE LIVES, AND WILL ALWAYS LIVE IN OUR HEARTS.

now, apart from all this, something crazy and totally humiliating happened yesterday. i was talking to my friend. he is a guy friend, and we are pretty close. anyways, when i was texting him, i wrote this big, lengthy, 3 page text to my youngest mamu and khala. i wrote how helpless i am, and how sad is mom still. and that take good care of yourself. and wrote alot more, this sorta caring stuff. i ended the text, by writing, i love you, alot. and i am sorry i am not there with you right now. x x.
and i sent this text to him, mistakenly. i mean my friend. can u believe it? i dint know i sent him, this personal piece of my writing, and so i got a text from him, he saying, since when did u love me? :o annnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddd dammit. it was sooooooo humiliating. i mean, yea i love him, but just as a friend, and would never be in like love LOVE with him. crap. i felt like ripping my hair off my own head, and going in some planet where he doesnt know i exist.

touch phones suck, MAJORLY. so if u use one, double check before sending any text.

how i texted him back, that just i know :P


p.s imma make sure i read all your posts soon, and comment too. i missed blogger these last few STONE-AGE days, and missed you guys more. =)

the HEAD of the house

i have been doing thinking, these last few days. obviously, we are humans and we are not inevitable. our dreams die. most of all, we die. cause thats why we were born on the first place. i have felt alone. and i have felt guilt too. i am guilty, cause i couldnt be there with my family, and cousins, when they needed me the most. when they were in such a mess.

on the other hand, all my life, i have heard people say that their parents werent in town, and they are under no supervision at all. all alone, allowed to do whatever they want. sounds cool, yeah? no, trust me. all my life i have envied such people, but, these few days, when mom and dad are away, far  far away in Lahore, i miss them so much. i wish time passes soon, and they come back soon too.

i am the leader, of my siblings now a days, and thats just so not easy. i have to make sure of so many things. make sure they eat properly, they study on time. dont over sleep, and most of all, dont spend all their day watching telly and face-booking. and i have to make sure, the house is in its presentable-state. i dont really have to cook, cause we have a cook who makes us what ever we want to eat. but thats not easy too, i have to tell him this has to be made, and all the things to needed to make it, are available at home.

everything is a mess. big MESS. =S

p.s my university was to be started from the morning, but luckily, now its been postponed till wednesday, probably cause of the rains. or IDK. my best friend in uni is leaving for dubai, tomorrow, so i actually want the uni to remain closed till she comes back, probably after a week.

p.p.s sorry for not commenting on all of your posts, i come online in a hurry, but i make sure i read them all.

p.p.p.s OVAIS i still have your tag in mind. i hope i post it soon.

=(

i wanted to write so so much today. but unfortunately, a news came by. my granddad (nana) died.

mom and dads left. leaving me the head of the house for a few days.

we (siblings) dint go cause they have school, and i had to be here to look up for them.

he (nana abu) wasnt well for a long time. he had lost his memory, and he was bed-ridden. we met him like a month back, when he could still open his eyes and smile. we all knew, that, his times near, but u never want the  one you love with all your heart, to leave you, anyhow.

i am so down, yet helpless. everybody tells me i have to be strong, cause i have two younger siblings to look after. i consoled my mom, but i have no words to console any other family member. i have no tears left too. i am numb. emotionless now.

he was such an inspiring personality. graceful and pious. when i look back, i know he might be the only person who loved me for ME. i will miss him so bad.

i wish i had some one to cry on his/her shoulders. or someone i could talk to, who could speak the right words and make me feel safe. i wish i had someone just to tell me its not such a big loss.

i feel so insecure. =(

i feel as if theres nothing to be done. no words to be said. no deeds to be done. for every ones to leave some day.

i hope hes ranked high in the heaven. and all his sins be forgiven by Allah. AMEN.

weird thoughts

sometimes time takes us back to the thought, of imagining the pity time, wanting what you have wanted the most. through days and nights have passed, you craving for that one thing. and now, times have changed, you have known what you have asked for, never meant to be yours.

u now know that you have to live with the fact, that what you wanted had Gods will and it might turn out good for you.

but there is a little pain inside you, still wondering what I really wanted, actually that bad? was it really going to hurt you. or someone? intentionally or unintentionally?

and then you realize its too late to even think of it. SOMETHINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE. 

old goood memories

the other day i was going through my cupboard, and i found my old scrapbook, aka my personal day to day diary. it dated august 2008 - july 2009. waay old, when i was just 17. haha. the though of it makes me feel stupid and lame. it was the time when i dint even know what LMAO and BRB and ASAP meant :P

so, it has collages, and the WORST-OF-AL-TIMES-RANDOM-STUFF. the postcards i used to collect from barbie bubble gum (yes i did that :P) newspaper letters cut and pasted in a collage. man, i dint even remember i had that book still ALIVE, in my cupboard.

well, i started reading, and it started of with me going to Lahore and meeting up with my SO-CALLED cousins from canada after 4 years. back then, we used to live in Pindi, and it wasnt a big deal to go to Lahore on weekends. this one time, we really enjoyed when we saw JANAY TU.. YA JANAY NAA together, and danced like crazy peeps on pappu :P. and the other time, we really laughed our asses off was when we saw a bunch of wanna-bees, LITERAL wanna-bees, standing on their rooftop, with dumbbells in their hands. LMAO. and they had this pretty-ly wanna-bee-ish girl standing in between. it was hillarious, i laughed out so hard and loud, that they heard me, got astonished and gave me what.did.we.do looks. LOL. i dont know, but to me it seemed they were tryin to win over the girl showing off their muscles. OMG. lame but funnnaaayyyy. :P

the other time, when me and my friend were doing absolutely nothing, in the chemistry lab, and the lab assistant called out the whole class, that these were the best students in the whole sections, u better should bring your butts up here and learn something from them. LOL

the other times when my crush used to have a crush on me, and he usually waited for me near the end of the staircase to catch up on me, and we should talk. and when he gave me those totally.blowing.away smiles :P

when my teacher, who kinda used to think of me as a very intelligent student made me the cllass monitor. i was sooo embarrassed, i was blushing.

once when my friends woke me up, early in the morning (i have the cant.wake.up.early.in.the.moring.in.the.holidays syndrome), just so that i can come online.

the first time i was proposed, and he was the one i had been waiting for, for so lonng. and when, the very first time i was somebodys valentine, and how special that day was.and the first date, yeah u can call it that, he came near my place, and i sneaked out just to see him. awed, right? :P (its all over now btw. just a shit-bag, i really thought i fancied. totally regret it now).

when i cleared all my board exams. what a relief it was. whewww. my chemistry exam was P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C, and i had no hope, at all, that i will clear it.

the first time i bough heels, and wore them to MONAL, (thats a resturaunt on Peer Sohawa, the mountain in islamabad, with loads of steep slopes and iregular path ways) and broke one on my heels. LOL.

and so much more...

the scrapbook reminded me of the long, lost good times. how careless i were back then, about EVERYTHING.  and what a freak i used to be (now that u know a lil abt my past too, u can say that too :P). i dnt think, i will ever have the guts to throw such a thing as this, no matter how lame or hillarious it is. i own it, and these were the best days of my life. =)