Diary of a Silent Lover.

my dearest,

I have never been fond of writing, and I have never been an avid reader, but I know how much words influence you and what they really mean to you, so I thought to give it a try. I thought of scribbling down what you are to me.
But oh love, you are a lot more to me than words are to you. I promise you that.

See, at times we aren't sure where life's taking us. we struggle to make sense about it. Of it. We strive to mold it into the palms of our hands, so we take it where we want to go. At last we give in, when we have no strength left. We simply choose to go with it. What do they call it? Yeah, go with the flow. Exactly that.
And funnily, that is when the strangest things happen to us. the most unexpected happens, then only. That is what I'll call you. MY most unexpected possession.
I had lost all my hope. In life. In love. I thought, love isn't supposed to happen for me. That I don't deserve that. Turns out, I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things.
Your smiling face, that came in front of me. i remember you, but that glimpse that remains when you haven't seen someone in six years long time. So it was different. But it did the same thing to me, that it used to do six years ago. It was pretty unbelievable. It wrecked me. Tore me apart. it was coming to me more furiously and ferociously. You were like the gush of the water that flows with so much intensity, it takes rocks with it. you were that water, and I was one of those rocks. I wanted to be rock, broken into pieces by the intensity of water, so one part of it could flow with it forever. One piece, that would be torn and broken, but still be complete as long as it was flowing with the water. That rock, and that water.
It was just a few days until i was flowing with you. And I knew, I had to do something about it. Life, for once, told me to do something about it. So i summed up all the courage I had in me, took a sweat, and proposed you. And since the moment, you gave me that smile, my life has never been the same. It never will be. And for the first time ever, I'm glad about it.
Love, I really want you to know that I love you. I think I fell in love with you, the moment I saw you. How you talk and make that face where your nose is all crumpled. How you smile only, when you agree with something. How you never stop drinking diet coke, and tell your self over and over again it's only diet. How you hug your dad before every time you go out. How when you're reading a book and want to kill everyone who comes and interrupts you while you're at it. How you never miss a prayer, and if by chance you do, you never stop making a fuss about it. How you fret about unknown people sending you lame messages on facebook. How you eat, after you have made sure that everyone at the table has started eating. How you have to brush your teeth after every meal. How you fake laugh every time you are sarcastic. There's an endless list, and it goes on. I love absolutely each and everything about you.
Oh, and how you kissed me so passionately, and felt guilty about it cause we are not married yet. I kiss those lips in my head every time i close my eyes.
It hasn't been long, but you're all that my life resolves around now. The smile on your face is the smile on my face. The smell of you is what lingers with me now. The sound of your heart, thumping on my chest is all my ears hear now.

It's all so funny cause its been a few hours, and I can't believably imagine my life without you. I had the best day of my entire life with you today.
I just wish I had done it earlier, I mean, asked you to marry me. I could have had more time with you, thats the only thing i regret now. Since you just have a few days and then you're going back until we get married, thinking about it makes me sad already.

You're my day, and my night. And all the things bad. And all the things good. My happy ending. My happy ever after.
You're my everything.

I love you, love. With all my heart. And all my soul.
Yours and yours, only,
Your Upside Down, M.

EMPTINESS.

Been a long while since I've felt this way. Been a long, long while.
Today, after a fortnight, writing is what I have found solace in. The pens moving, spelling letters, making words, sentences, and finally paragraphs.
There's something about a summer night. A lonesome summer night. It brings a gloom, grim and eerie beat to your heart. The intensity increases and so does the beat. Like fighting a couple of monsters inside you, not realizing who the real monster is. The hot air, no matter if the air conditioner is on, sways you along your past. You're entrapped in your own thoughts, the guilt and the regrets building in.
No, what's done is done. And what you've done is what's made you. But there are still the disappointments that remain. The disappointments in one's self. You try forgiving everything and everyone, including yourself, yet there's something that won't leave. That's engraved on your heart, like a stone engraved by a prisoner, counting days and weeks, until he can be free again. You're free, yet you're not. You're the prisoner of your own past.
"Cry; for it lessens the pain."
Yet, crying doesn't bring you happiness. Crying doesn't even removes the sadness. Crying takes you right back to where you started.
Emptiness. The emptiness within you.
It won't let you alone.
Until....you found a paper and a pen.
Until....you enclose all your feelings to a friend who'd never betray you; paper. Until....you let it move along you, by you, with you; pen.

LOVE, to y'all.

Its funny how time flies, and we never imagine, we're making memories. Memories to be cherished, always. Memories to be lived on. Because, we were too busy having FUN. 


Yes Rabia, I remember the first day we met. I remember how we stencil

led together. I still remember how you called me up in the morning, 6ish, laughed when you heard my voice, and said, "so rai thee na?".
But, we prayed together, that the strike is for real, and our exams get postponed. And, they did. Yes, the Power-Of-Us.
And how last summer, I loathed, and got upset, when you told me, you'd be going to Doo-bai, and I'd have to take the first week of classes Alone. Oh, how I prayed, I could go somewhere too. So, I wouldn't be alone. And luckily, our classes did start late, but you got your ankle sprained.
Yes. And I hated, hated, hated, being alone. For my biggest fear did come true.

Yeas. Virtual lab, it was. How I used to make fun of G, before? Well, that all changed. There he was, all nice and friendly.
And there came Uroosa. Roo Roo. "Mahnoor, did you understand the layer shit?"
Uroosa, the things I remember.
And then, I befriended you and G, for I didn't have Rabia. For I was alone. And well, since then, I've never been happier. We've had something special. Something real. A bond.
How you told what you really thought of G, Roo? Well, Rabia and I, talked about that for days. Because, we did find it true.
*and now I think, if Rabia, you didn't have had your ankle sprained, we would've never known, Uroosa and G.*

How since then, no day has gone by, when we hadn't thought about eachother. How we'd made G a fool, so many times. How we'd been a pain in the ass, for everyone. How we'd stolen eachothers cells, and enjoyed the overwhelming facial-emotions. How we'd come early, and stayed till late for draping. How we'd crushed over and cursed teachers together. How we'd enjoyed during the students council elections, and thought we're the best. How we'd bunked classes and had biryani together. How we'd fancied the guy, Nash is dating now. How we'd stayed back till it were too late to stay and gossiped together. How we'd have Chai together, three times a day. How we'd post on eachothers walls to tell how special we are. How we'd escaped the firing together. How we'd planned to go for a hangout and ended up calling our drivers to take us homes instead. How we'd enjoyed making Rabia mad, at literall non-sense. How I'd bla, bla, bla-ed in front of the teachers (kicked-asses, we've). How we would never finish our work before the submission is one week late. How we'd promissed eachother we'd study, seriously, starting tomorrow.
How amazingly we've grown into, WE. US. And, how lucky we're.

I love YOU, to bits and pieces. YES. And I mean it. EVERYword of it.
I know I'm ME. And I'm mean, and dirty. And I'm not-very-talktive. And I'm careless, and stupid yet funny at times. And I REALLY like that one guy I'd never get. And I'm always mad at life.
But I know, I'm happy and I have the most gorgeously-wonder-foooool-er-est friends in the whole wide world.
I wouldn't have imagined my uni without you. And I DON'T. My uni, and my life. NAWWW.
Oh, how this makes me G-sick. Lol.
ThankYOU, for everything.

Right now, when I sit, and write this, I feel ecstatic. I feel lucky. I feel, my lifes perfect. It IS, indeed!
Yes, I know, you TWO, feel special too, but you're more special-er than THIS. WAY MORE. Promise.
Rabia, I had to do something for your Birthday, since I can't do anything else.
Uroosa, I wrote this at 8 in the morning, when I told the world I'm off to sleep, cause I wanted to be with you TWO. And because, I promised, I'll write something. For US.

So, here IS to us. To all the crazy, insane things we've DONE so far. To all the crazy, insane things we'll DO together. To the love we bear for eachother. To being lucky enough to have found eacother. To US.
ILOVEYOUTWOTOINFINITY. 

I wrote this for my UniversityLovers. Just felt like sharing.

How you've all been? I'm fine. And I love this month. It keeps giving me a ray of positivity. Hope. Believe.
Yes, i'm blogger-sick. Double yes, I miss you peeps more. 
But, i can't write. I mean, the thing i posted above, is just dumb-shit. I can write that. But i can't write, write. 
See, i don't even make sense. :o

Pray for me, i need prayers. Loads. 
Take care. And I'll try posting something in detail soon. 

All smiles* :)

IMAGINATION, i'd call

okay, well today, my finals result was coming out. you know what i hated about semester system the most, after the BOARD K IMTEHAANAAT :P (board exams), is that you have results all the time. class assignment. mid term. class assignments. and then final. same scene the whole year. ughh. it gets on my nerves now.


anyways, till sehri i couldnt sleep. for i was so darn worried. i kept on changing postures in my bed. i even tried listening to songs to change my worried thoughts. at last, i got up, switched on the laptop ans started you-tubing random stuff. 


after sehri, i tried sleeping again. but in vain. i couldnot sleep, AT ALL. time passed, i kept on praying, saying darud shareef, and i dont know when, but i slept. my phones vibration woke me up. it was a text message from my friend. she was worried too, and couldnt sleep herself. we talked a while, and then i slept again. now here the whole imagination thing starts. i had no clue how i did in the exams. i mean yeah, i knew whatto do, and i did that, but then again who knows how teachers grade you at the end of the semester. i saw that i got 2.7 gpa. dammmmit. sucks. i know, right. i wanted more than 3. well im all worried looking out for teachers, and other people related to all of this thing. i finf a friend of mine in the middle of it. one of my friends, i had texted earlier, to check my result too, if she reaches there early. in my dream, she tells me that dude theres something wrong, it cant be yours. and when i see my result sheet after that, shes right, there some official mistake, and i take it to this uncle we have who solves all our problems, he rechecks it, and there, i have got 3.2 in real. what a relief. i smile. i am happy. ecstatic. and suddenly, i realise, it was a dream. i open my eyes and dammmmmn IT WAS A DREAM. sucks majorly, i know.


then again, i check my phone, say daruud shareef, and sleep some where in between. i see another dream. this time, another of my friend has my sheet, and it says u scored 3 gpa. whoooaaa, i am so glad. for i knew, more than 3 is impossible, after the exams i have taken. i am so excited. i tell all others. 3 gpa, wow. to me, i aced it. and i am all happy, then suddenly my phone vibrates again, and i am awoken. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL. mannn. fucking shit. not again. im so broken. 


anyways, i dont sleep after that. though my result isnt really good, i am glad i cleared all the coarses :P. but yeah, nt as good as 3.5, the last times :P. 


WHAT AN IMAGINATION I GOT :P