Diary of a Silent Lover.

my dearest,

I have never been fond of writing, and I have never been an avid reader, but I know how much words influence you and what they really mean to you, so I thought to give it a try. I thought of scribbling down what you are to me.
But oh love, you are a lot more to me than words are to you. I promise you that.

See, at times we aren't sure where life's taking us. we struggle to make sense about it. Of it. We strive to mold it into the palms of our hands, so we take it where we want to go. At last we give in, when we have no strength left. We simply choose to go with it. What do they call it? Yeah, go with the flow. Exactly that.
And funnily, that is when the strangest things happen to us. the most unexpected happens, then only. That is what I'll call you. MY most unexpected possession.
I had lost all my hope. In life. In love. I thought, love isn't supposed to happen for me. That I don't deserve that. Turns out, I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things.
Your smiling face, that came in front of me. i remember you, but that glimpse that remains when you haven't seen someone in six years long time. So it was different. But it did the same thing to me, that it used to do six years ago. It was pretty unbelievable. It wrecked me. Tore me apart. it was coming to me more furiously and ferociously. You were like the gush of the water that flows with so much intensity, it takes rocks with it. you were that water, and I was one of those rocks. I wanted to be rock, broken into pieces by the intensity of water, so one part of it could flow with it forever. One piece, that would be torn and broken, but still be complete as long as it was flowing with the water. That rock, and that water.
It was just a few days until i was flowing with you. And I knew, I had to do something about it. Life, for once, told me to do something about it. So i summed up all the courage I had in me, took a sweat, and proposed you. And since the moment, you gave me that smile, my life has never been the same. It never will be. And for the first time ever, I'm glad about it.
Love, I really want you to know that I love you. I think I fell in love with you, the moment I saw you. How you talk and make that face where your nose is all crumpled. How you smile only, when you agree with something. How you never stop drinking diet coke, and tell your self over and over again it's only diet. How you hug your dad before every time you go out. How when you're reading a book and want to kill everyone who comes and interrupts you while you're at it. How you never miss a prayer, and if by chance you do, you never stop making a fuss about it. How you fret about unknown people sending you lame messages on facebook. How you eat, after you have made sure that everyone at the table has started eating. How you have to brush your teeth after every meal. How you fake laugh every time you are sarcastic. There's an endless list, and it goes on. I love absolutely each and everything about you.
Oh, and how you kissed me so passionately, and felt guilty about it cause we are not married yet. I kiss those lips in my head every time i close my eyes.
It hasn't been long, but you're all that my life resolves around now. The smile on your face is the smile on my face. The smell of you is what lingers with me now. The sound of your heart, thumping on my chest is all my ears hear now.

It's all so funny cause its been a few hours, and I can't believably imagine my life without you. I had the best day of my entire life with you today.
I just wish I had done it earlier, I mean, asked you to marry me. I could have had more time with you, thats the only thing i regret now. Since you just have a few days and then you're going back until we get married, thinking about it makes me sad already.

You're my day, and my night. And all the things bad. And all the things good. My happy ending. My happy ever after.
You're my everything.

I love you, love. With all my heart. And all my soul.
Yours and yours, only,
Your Upside Down, M.

EMPTINESS.

Been a long while since I've felt this way. Been a long, long while.
Today, after a fortnight, writing is what I have found solace in. The pens moving, spelling letters, making words, sentences, and finally paragraphs.
There's something about a summer night. A lonesome summer night. It brings a gloom, grim and eerie beat to your heart. The intensity increases and so does the beat. Like fighting a couple of monsters inside you, not realizing who the real monster is. The hot air, no matter if the air conditioner is on, sways you along your past. You're entrapped in your own thoughts, the guilt and the regrets building in.
No, what's done is done. And what you've done is what's made you. But there are still the disappointments that remain. The disappointments in one's self. You try forgiving everything and everyone, including yourself, yet there's something that won't leave. That's engraved on your heart, like a stone engraved by a prisoner, counting days and weeks, until he can be free again. You're free, yet you're not. You're the prisoner of your own past.
"Cry; for it lessens the pain."
Yet, crying doesn't bring you happiness. Crying doesn't even removes the sadness. Crying takes you right back to where you started.
Emptiness. The emptiness within you.
It won't let you alone.
Until....you found a paper and a pen.
Until....you enclose all your feelings to a friend who'd never betray you; paper. Until....you let it move along you, by you, with you; pen.

LOVE, to y'all.

Its funny how time flies, and we never imagine, we're making memories. Memories to be cherished, always. Memories to be lived on. Because, we were too busy having FUN. 


Yes Rabia, I remember the first day we met. I remember how we stencil

led together. I still remember how you called me up in the morning, 6ish, laughed when you heard my voice, and said, "so rai thee na?".
But, we prayed together, that the strike is for real, and our exams get postponed. And, they did. Yes, the Power-Of-Us.
And how last summer, I loathed, and got upset, when you told me, you'd be going to Doo-bai, and I'd have to take the first week of classes Alone. Oh, how I prayed, I could go somewhere too. So, I wouldn't be alone. And luckily, our classes did start late, but you got your ankle sprained.
Yes. And I hated, hated, hated, being alone. For my biggest fear did come true.

Yeas. Virtual lab, it was. How I used to make fun of G, before? Well, that all changed. There he was, all nice and friendly.
And there came Uroosa. Roo Roo. "Mahnoor, did you understand the layer shit?"
Uroosa, the things I remember.
And then, I befriended you and G, for I didn't have Rabia. For I was alone. And well, since then, I've never been happier. We've had something special. Something real. A bond.
How you told what you really thought of G, Roo? Well, Rabia and I, talked about that for days. Because, we did find it true.
*and now I think, if Rabia, you didn't have had your ankle sprained, we would've never known, Uroosa and G.*

How since then, no day has gone by, when we hadn't thought about eachother. How we'd made G a fool, so many times. How we'd been a pain in the ass, for everyone. How we'd stolen eachothers cells, and enjoyed the overwhelming facial-emotions. How we'd come early, and stayed till late for draping. How we'd crushed over and cursed teachers together. How we'd enjoyed during the students council elections, and thought we're the best. How we'd bunked classes and had biryani together. How we'd fancied the guy, Nash is dating now. How we'd stayed back till it were too late to stay and gossiped together. How we'd have Chai together, three times a day. How we'd post on eachothers walls to tell how special we are. How we'd escaped the firing together. How we'd planned to go for a hangout and ended up calling our drivers to take us homes instead. How we'd enjoyed making Rabia mad, at literall non-sense. How I'd bla, bla, bla-ed in front of the teachers (kicked-asses, we've). How we would never finish our work before the submission is one week late. How we'd promissed eachother we'd study, seriously, starting tomorrow.
How amazingly we've grown into, WE. US. And, how lucky we're.

I love YOU, to bits and pieces. YES. And I mean it. EVERYword of it.
I know I'm ME. And I'm mean, and dirty. And I'm not-very-talktive. And I'm careless, and stupid yet funny at times. And I REALLY like that one guy I'd never get. And I'm always mad at life.
But I know, I'm happy and I have the most gorgeously-wonder-foooool-er-est friends in the whole wide world.
I wouldn't have imagined my uni without you. And I DON'T. My uni, and my life. NAWWW.
Oh, how this makes me G-sick. Lol.
ThankYOU, for everything.

Right now, when I sit, and write this, I feel ecstatic. I feel lucky. I feel, my lifes perfect. It IS, indeed!
Yes, I know, you TWO, feel special too, but you're more special-er than THIS. WAY MORE. Promise.
Rabia, I had to do something for your Birthday, since I can't do anything else.
Uroosa, I wrote this at 8 in the morning, when I told the world I'm off to sleep, cause I wanted to be with you TWO. And because, I promised, I'll write something. For US.

So, here IS to us. To all the crazy, insane things we've DONE so far. To all the crazy, insane things we'll DO together. To the love we bear for eachother. To being lucky enough to have found eacother. To US.
ILOVEYOUTWOTOINFINITY. 

I wrote this for my UniversityLovers. Just felt like sharing.

How you've all been? I'm fine. And I love this month. It keeps giving me a ray of positivity. Hope. Believe.
Yes, i'm blogger-sick. Double yes, I miss you peeps more. 
But, i can't write. I mean, the thing i posted above, is just dumb-shit. I can write that. But i can't write, write. 
See, i don't even make sense. :o

Pray for me, i need prayers. Loads. 
Take care. And I'll try posting something in detail soon. 

All smiles* :)

Where, Now? Maybe Later.

He was standing. far away. He couldn't believe his eyes. His gaze, fixed. He couldn't move. It was unbelievable. Totally, out of the blue. How, now? he thought. No, why, now? Why, why, why?

She was exactly the same, he thought. Even after 4 years and some months and infinite days, she hasn't changed a little. Or maybe, she has gone more prettier. More beautiful. She had no idea that he was standing there. A few feet away, from her. The man, she could never forget. The man, she dreams of, still. Her angel. Her love. Her one and only!


He didn't know what to do. How to react? Where to be? He was running late for his meeting. He had changed. Gone from middle class, to business class. His aim, that got them separated. His high, superior thoughts, the status he wanted to achieve, that had done them apart. The biggest mistake of his life!
In seconds, his life, his REAL life, flashed in front of his eyes. The past, he never wanted to think about. The past that still haunted him, though he acted too cool.
Who had known, life would knock again. Not that he didn't want it. He wanted it. Bad. He craved for it. And now is the time, when he was given that chance? Now? Why, now?
Life has always been unfair. He's been to every right place, at the wrong time. And now, all of a sudden, when everything was going as per se, he had to choose between life, and LIFE? It was totally unfair, he kept on repeating. But he didn't know, who to blame for? Or be thankful to?
She was steady. Sitting, probably waiting. Reading a fashion magazine.She always loved fashion. She breathed fashion. She always knew what to wear, where to wear, how to carry and top the house.
For her, life meant simple happiness. Live with what you have, and love it.She had no high aims, no achievement plans. She loved her job, a journalist, where she could write and wear good, smile and love him. The small apartment, they lived in, meant home to her. And he, meant everything else. She would go, the difficult route, just for him. She wanted him, them, to be together, forever.
But he, the opposite. He could never let the feelings get in his way. She just seemed an obligation. Or a time pass, a girl, whose company he enjoyed, who he knew could go home to, if things weren't his way. He thought of her very little, God knows he even knew who she was to him.
And he let her go. He was too busy, to even notice her existence, the last few weeks. She couldn't take it. She wanted him, and only him, but now, being with him used to hurt her. More than anything. His ignorance, his arrogance, his dreams, his aims, always came first to him. She had to find out, if he really wanted her. Or if she were being a pain in the ass. But he was least bit concerned, and he just let her go.
Things went completely upside down, when she left. He missed her madly, but had no idea where to look for her. He wanted her, more than anything else hes ever wanted. But... His ego, the damnest of all.
Finally, he got a hold of himself. He couldn't believe he let her go. Forever. He then got a grip of his life, worked hard, days and nights, and got what he longed for. The pressure, and the competition. The achievements, never let him alone. He still thought of her, sometimes, but now he had moved on.
Until, now. Until, he had a glimpse of her. His girl. His love of life. His first and the final girl. His home. His  family!

                                       *        *         *
She heart a sudden thud. She looked behind, and the receptionist had dropped her notepad. She  gave her an apologetic smile, and got a nod in return. She moved her head back to the magazine, and she saw a man standing in front of her. Shiny loafers and perfectly tailored trousers, she looked up and shock struck her. She was dumbfounded. Him, Now, Here.... Her body was paralyzed and her face was frozen. She didn't know what to do, or how to react?
She stood up, and touched his face. He was real. He was there. Right in front. Did she believe it? No she didn't, until his face responded to her touch. The warmth of his skin. He was real.
Her touch proved it. She was embarrassed now. Of coarse he were real, its not like he were dead.
Their eyes were fixed now.
He looked exactly as she dreamt of him now. All suited, all successful, business kind. He got everything he wished for, she thought. She was proud of him. And glad too.
She was just not sure. Why, now? why, when she had finally moved on...

"Hey." , he said.
"Uh.. Heyyy.."
"Long time no see"
Man, he is so handsome, she thought.She was damned.
"Aa.. Whyy.. Yesssss. Howww.... H.. Here...?"She just wanted to know, Why here?
Sudden bang of excitement took over them. They both had so much to ask. So much to talk about, so much to tell.
But this place, it didn't seem right to him.
He looked her in the eyes, nodded, gave a shy smile, and said, "We should meet some place, some place better. Some place where we could talk."
She didn't know how to react. She was taken aback. She was in her past. She smiled, lost in her thoughts. Suddenly, there was this pain, this hurt, this terror. It took over her. She knew, she had to be strong. She had to answer him, tell him, she couldn't anymore.
She kept quiet for a while, and then said, "I don't think that would be OK!"
"Why? Whyyy not?" came his abrupt answer.
"Justt..."
"You owe me a chance, don't know? I can't let you out of my sight, now that I have finally found you."
Stop! Shut up, she wanted to say, but the words, Oh dear lord, how long has she waited to hear him say that. How bad, she has wanted to hear it all. But this, this suddenly, she was not sure. She was getting hurt. She knew there was no turning back now.
"Ummmm..."
"Umm what?" He wasn't in a mood to hear a no. He had to tell her before it was too late.
"Can you please shut up?" Oh, no. There, bang, she thought. "I mean, at least give me a chance to answer you. Give me a chance to SPEAK, for Pete's sake!"
He kept quiet. He knew he had to listen to her. He just nodded and let her finish.
She took a deep breath, told herself to calm down, and said: "Listen! I know I'm being rude, but it's not helping. You are not helping. And i bloody owe you nothing. I AM MARRIED. Here, I have said it. I an married, and happily married. I love my husband, and he loves me. And, besides I don't think meeting you now would do any good...
"Look at you! You became what you had dreamed of becoming. I am so happy for you. So proud of you. I knew, you would make your dreams come true and become something big. Someday. That is why I left you in the first place." That was tough, she thought. How she has thought of the moment coming, and what she had thought of saying. How many times she'd rehersed it. All she wanted to do was fuck the world, and be with him. Noo.. o..  She had to get a grip. She had to choose her husband, who had chosen her, when she was nothing, but a rotten piece of meat. He gave her the love she deserved, and put her pieces back. It was because of him, she is even alive. She owed her husband, and she wasn't gonna turn her back on him.
She went on, controlling her temper. And shivering, "I got married 1 year ago. And i don't want to do anything stupid. I owe him too much.
"I know, its soo good to see you too. Look at you man!"
She couldn't continue no longer.She had to stop the tears rolling down her eyes. To take a breath. To calm herself down. To believe it was reality. To look and adore him, ONE MORE TIME.
She had nothing left to say. She had said it all. She didn't wanna think she did a mistake marrying someone else. Though sometimes she really doubt loving her husband.
She looked at him, probably the last time, smiled, touched his hand, just nodded and left. Left back to her world, to the world without him, the world she belonged to.
                                                      *         *                *

He was impossible.He kept on shouting her name, tears rolling, but she was not coming back.She looked back, one last time, smiled with crying eyes, and walked OUT.
Sheeeeeeeeeeee! he thought..
For minutes, he thought he was dreaming. That it was just a nightmare. He couldn't get hold of himself. He was shocked and lonely. ALONE. He couldn't feel anything. He could just see darkness around.
Until, he heard his phone ring. 6 missed call? When?
His assistant wanted to make sure he has reached. This meeting, the one he has forgotten about, was an important deal. And all he could do now was, do what he was best at.
He took a deep breath, Looked straight forward, and walked on. MOVED ON.

.....

I feel like I am in a hot, scorching desert. alone. all around I see, hard, blowing sand. I walk, walk and walk, yet no one in sight. and dehydrated.
I am stuck and the sun never sets.

time.

TIME PASSES. EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN when each tick of second hand aches like a pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does.
EVEN FOR ME.

Every Day.

I open my eyes. Click and my cell-phone shows me 24-07-2011. Another day.
My eyes are heavy. And they hurt. For a moment I am stuck. I don't know what has happened. The sunlight, from the window, seeps into my room. Its bright outside, but I don't feel so. Why do I feel so dark? And all the stupid questions block my mind. Is this why I were born? Just to wait? For things to change? Is this why, days were made, to wait for the night and then the next day, and so freaking on? I shake my head in disbelief. I am given another day to live, I should be thankful. And not be sad about it. I lift my head, and its heavy. Probably the same migraine, I think. Or maybe due to the crying last night? I get up, regardless of all. I can feel the blood in my vessels moving through my head. I tie my hair and start cleaning the room.
It's been twenty minutes by far and feels as if twenty hours have gone by. with every step that I take, I shiver. Maybe, my footsteps will wake her up. I feel cold though its mid summers. I consider switching off the fan. Should I, I think? Or will the creak sound the switch button makes will wake her up? No, I should turn it off. Or at least slow it down. What worse could it cause? But it is mid summers and I am thinking of turning the fan off? How stupid. It's probably the headache, I tell myself.
I go wash up. Done with all the cleaning. One hour passes by. My siblings will come home by three. It is still eleven. Why is not the time passing?
What do I do now? Lie down again? Or read a book? Anything, that I am sure of, wont wake her up. I think read the book, I have already started. I pick it up. I take out my book-mark, and start reading.
Geez, what do I feel so nauseatic? Am I hungry? I guess I am. Should I eat? Or should I wait for her, and then make us both something? Or should I simply eat, and she wont mind. Or maybe, today, she will wake up late? No, I should wait. No risks I should take. I should read. I carry on reading, my head throbbing, and my heart racing.
I haven't done anything, but why do I feel so gutted?
I feel some footsteps. I close the book, put it back, making sure I don't make a sound. I get up, in a quick time, start making the creases on the bed go away. I flatten my hand, and work the sheet out. Is she coming? Even if she is, she will think I am just cleaning my room, and she wont make a fuss out of my being up? I don't feel her door opening. I stand still, listening to the footsteps. They have faded away. No sound, I can hear of. I stand for a minute or two, making sure she is not up. I sit. Maybe, I just felt something. Yes, I think, it is supposed to be my head playing with me. I shrug. I sigh. But a deep, relaxed sigh. For I am glad she is not awake, as yet.
I start reading again. I see the clock, on the wall. Oh no. just 15 minutes passed by, so far? Unbelievable. What the hell? Why isn't the time passing? I curse my life. That's what I always do. Don't know who to make, stand responsible for it!
I go on, reading. I have loved the book. By far, it's been great. But today, why can't I put my head in it. Why does my mind keeps drifting away? Why does my life is this way? What am I supposed to do? What do I do to make things better? This better? I do everything, to make her believe, that I love her. I smile. I talk, ignoring all the shit she says about me. But why me? Why were I born? Another tear sheds. I close my eyes. Picture her image. The good image. I smile. Maybe, that her, one day will be back. No, not maybe. She will be. She have to be. I smile. But the useless, hopeless smile. I clear my face, making sure it is not wet. My eyes are swollen. I can feel it when I touch them. My mind hopelessly drifts, and I am stuck thinking of last night. The shouts, the screams, the taunts, the the puns, the SLAP. I cry now, without realising, it's been the same, since forever.
I cry, for I am alone.
I cry, for I am hopeless.
I cry, for I am sad.
I cry, for I am helpless.
I cry, for I Love her.
I cry, for I am tired now.
I cry, for I don't know what else to do.
Suddenly, its strucks me. I am back to my senses. I stop crying, and rush to wash my face. My eyes are red, and I can see the veins visible in them. Anybody can tell, I have been crying. I get scared. What if she sees me like this? She'd kill me. She'd ask me hundreds of questions. What will I do? I keep on putting water in my eyes, until I think they look better.
I go back to my room. I sit, and wait till I catch my breath. I feel scared. damn scared.
I check time. Yes! Two hours since I woke up. I can't believe my luck. But I am very hungry now. Still not sure, whether to eat or not. I can feel my stomach growling.
I pick up the book again. Start reading it. My eyes itch now. I close the book, and put it back. I close my eyes. They hurt more than ever. I lie down for a while. The memories haunt. The grim and glum life. I don't see any end. But I see my flexibility coming to an end. I feel myself die. I know, I am dying every minute. I am not the same I used to be. Life seems meaningless. Helpless. And suddenly I hear a thrud. And I know she is up. This time I can't be mistaken. Life isn't fair. Never was. Never will be. I jump. Close the book and put it back. And start getting rid of the creases, just like before. I hear the door open, the shrill sound shouting my name.
I sigh. Big, deep, helpless sigh. I say geeeeeee.
I know now, why I were born. Why I had felt so gutted. Why I have been so sad. I know I am out of luck. And I know life isn't bed of roses. For me. I shiver.
I feel two bulgy eyes viewing me. I look up and say, geee Ma?
And I know, the day has begun.